me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”