The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?