USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
and now we wait
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*