“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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These aren’t even hard anymore.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.