Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…๐๐พ๐
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Not๐๐คฃ
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, Iโm okay. Thanks.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you donโt stop, I will.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The thought that Iโm the humanโs pet #BlowsMyMind
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I donโt find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Him: Iโm drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Cats (2019)
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Day drinking poolside. Thereโs literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
โMOMMY WATCH THIS!โ
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*pronounces โcombโ like โbombโ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Canโt, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
When Iโm having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.