Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
felt that
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast