Meeeee too!
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.