not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Ooops wrong house😂😜