Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
my dog when i have a friend over
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.