estão todos miauvindo?
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-