Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.