Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
You Might Also Like
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???