[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.