It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
notice
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
set yourself free xox
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Rather alarming headline…
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”