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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.