in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled