Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
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