The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.