cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.