Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Wait a minute
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.