Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
You Might Also Like
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
ok like just. call me at this point
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?