Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room