My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now