Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Go hard or stay average
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Muppet Screams
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Festive toon…