“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too