ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”