So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Worst bar ever.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Can Happiness buy money?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.