I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
went fishing caught a bass