Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Yes, but it was never about money
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.