Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?