*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
meanwhile over on facebook
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I created you as mosquito food.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy