Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
You Might Also Like
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Well, shit
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….