I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”