I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.