Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
You Might Also Like
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick