Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Smile they said.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.