I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.