The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
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Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this