I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.