[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Candles never taste the way they smell
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Meow
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro