I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?