My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.