Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Important reminders
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.