Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.