girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.