Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year