texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow