Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
A double negative is a big no-no.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.