The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Based Erika
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I think I’ll stand