judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
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Still cracks me up
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator